Today marks 3 months since my sweet Kagero left us. I thought today would have been harder than it has been but Tuesday was a particularly emotional day so maybe it just hit me earlier. I have no idea where I really am in my grief process. Sometimes I feel like I'm good other days I'm just devastated. I still have tears each day, some days, though, they only well up and never really fall. Other days, it's all I can do to keep myself from throwing up from sobbing. I feel the tears stinging my eyes now as I type this. I miss her. I wish I could have her back, young and healthy. I wish I could delete the memory of her last day. I wish I could stop thinking of all the ways I could have done stuff differently. Why is it so easy to torture ourselves? I can't change anything, I can't have her back, I just want to move through this grief so that I can feel happy about having had her for the time I did.
So today, not knowing how the day would be, I decided to just play around with some supplies. Just play, no plans, just see what happens. I chose to use some India ink pens and my Inktense pencils. As you can see above, I came up with several ideas. There were a couple more pages but I opted not to show them, not just because they weren't successful but I already have so many to post, so no need for those, too. I really like the India ink pens, especially the Soft Brush black pen. That one is a felt tip brush but it's soft (duh...) so it moves with pressure. I used that one for the stems/details on two of the flowery pieces and I just loved the different types of marks it makes. It's currently only available in black in the Faber-Castell brand but I might look around and see if there are any other brands out there. I like the India ink pens because they are waterproof. The Sakura Pigma Micron pens I typically use are very nice but not waterproof so sometimes they run when I use a water media with it (like the Inktense pencils). I really, really like the scribbly flowers. I didn't really know what I was going to do for those. I just scribbled different shades of color on the paper, figuring I'd make flowers out of them somehow. Then I used that soft brush black pen to do the outlines. I like how they don't quite line up with the scribbles, makes them more interesting.
Today also marks the end of week 14 of my daily art project. This week just flew by. No major reflection this week. I loved the colored pencil work and have decided to purchase a drafting table to see if changing the angle of my work might help with the fatigue in my hand. I'm pleased with my heating pad/drawing board setup to help with the colored pencil drawing. I'm going to stop forcing myself to do basic techniques like color wheels. I don't get anything out of them so I'm just going to quit that. Finally, I'm realizing that I really need to just play more. I really want to focus on finding my personal symbols and my artistic voice/style and while the structured projects I've been working on are really important for learning specific techniques, they don't propel me toward discovering my voice/style. So, I need to balance the technique learning with play so I can work toward both...learning techniques and finding my voice. Ok...so I did end up doing a reflection on this week...