Today was my first day alone here in the house...and I mean truly alone for the first time in 12.5 years. To say it's been rough is an understatement. I've cried harder in the last 2 days than I ever remember crying before (no offense to all of the loved one's/people I've lost in my life). My sweet little pup meant the world to me and I'm finding it hard to believe that she's gone. Prior to Kagero becoming ill earlier this year, I had been on a mission for self-growth, to become the authentic Kierstan. I'd been at it in earnest for almost 2 years when she got sick in December 2013. I had decided last year to leave a job that made me miserable to pursue my dream of being an artist. I launched that dream for real on October 1, 2013. For almost 3 months, I had the pleasure of the constant company of Kagero. She was my studio buddy, meditation buddy, my best companion before we knew she was sick. We got worse news in March 2014 that her amazing light would likely be snuffed out and there wasn't any damn thing we could do about it. I freaked out for a few weeks as I resisted the inevitable. I soon found some level of acceptance and just let her be...and it seemed like she was getting better. The next several weeks were amazing and included 2 weeks of pure bliss with her...she seemed puppy-like at times. But alas, there was no way out and now I'm without a huge chunk of my heart.
When we got the news in December that things were amiss and she was likely to have a shorter life than we had expected, I really wanted to view this as another opportunity for growth and personal transformation. I don't drink or use drugs...my vice is food. I've used food for much of my life to stuff down or numb the feelings I didn't want to experience. I knew I couldn't let that happen this time. So, here I am, alone in the house, feeling my damn horrible feelings instead of eating them. I really understand why we (people) are so inclined to seek numbing...because feeling what I'm feeling really sucks! But I know that in addition to sitting with these feelings, letting the tears flow, the anger bubble up, the sobs wrack my body, I can channel them into my art. Now, that's what I'm trying to do. Not to wallow but to create in Kagero's honor.
Today's drawing/painting was inspired by the fact that today is National Doughnut Day. Since I won't be partaking in any free doughnuts since I'm trying to feel those effing feelings, I opted to draw/paint some instead.